What I Believe -- a Rosh Hashanah Sermon

For years, Bob and I have had a standing joke between us: it’s the pompous rabbi that feels compelled to start ever sermon with: WHAT I BELIEVE.
Why do I look at this as pompous? Learning/ teaching is give and take. My beliefs may not be your beliefs. It takes chutzpah for a rabbi – for anyone -- to indicate that her beliefs are superior to others.
But I realize, I haven’t talked very much about my own feelings about … and belief in … the Kadosh Baruch Hu.
Now, I’ll tell you a secret. That’s very hard to do.
It’s something I think about a lot. It’s just hard to put into words.
However… on this day, when we especially acknowledge and celebrate God’s Kingship … our smallness before Him … and our mutual love and thirst for each other … I can’t think of a more important topic than our Creator.
And yes, I do believe that He is The Creator.
How do I reconcile this with science?
There’s nothing to reconcile!
Creation – as we perceive it – began “off-screen.” This is why Written Torah begins with the letter “bet,” the second letter of the alef bet.
The first letter is alef … a letter with no sound … that hints at mysteries beyond our comprehension.
With this understanding, great Torah scholars posit that Creation is much deeper than we’d think from a simple reading about the seven days.
In fact, the Zohar describes a process similar to the modern Big Bang!
What’s most important here … for me …
• is that Hashem IS the Creator
• that time – as we understand it … has nothing … nothing at all to do with God
• and that the Kadosh Baruch Hu had a reason to create us … that in His eyes, we all have a purpose

Maybe we don’t know what that purpose is. Or we think we do, and then our lives change and we’re no longer sure.

That’s okay … it’s good! We can never rest comfortably with the status quo but must grow with life’s lessons.

As an example, let’s look at this morning’s Torah reading, part of Abraham’s story. It began with great joy … Abraham and Sarah had a son, Isaac!

Their joy was fleeting … all of life’s great moments are fleeting … and turmoil erupted because of Abraham’s concubine, Hagar, and their son, Ishmael.
As we saw, ultimately Sarah – with God’s backing … decreed that Abraham should send away both Hagar and Ishmael.

This reading is so full of depth!

We see Hagar, previously secure, now a frightened wanderer. We see her despair at what she is sure is certain death for her and her child.

God’s angel shows her a well of water … a well that was already there – she just couldn’t see it. Fear and depression clouded her vision.

The angel’s appearance gave her hope; only then could she see more clearly.

From there, Hagar and Ishmael go on to another life and find purpose and meaning.

This particular story – for me – contains some of life’s deepest lessons.

Our lives change … sometimes … not always … against our will. Relationships sour or get better; our finances may be stable but we’ve seen plenty of crashes; accidents or illness strike, and our lives and capabilities are irrevocably changed.

I can think of plenty of these instances in my own life. I can’t tell you I always adapt well – whatever that even means. However, no one gets to this age without knowing pain…

This is why I often think of Hagar and her well.

It teaches me that there are always choices in how I can act. I don’t always like the choices … but they do exist.

Further, water is a metaphor for Torah. Sometimes, when blinded by life … whether busy-ness, illness, or having a good time … I forget that the Kadosh Baruch Hu is there, that He is always there … that I lost sight of Him and thus feel a gap in my life.

When I’m upset, I sometimes write in my journal. When I write, it’s usually the middle of the night. The house is quiet, I’m alone with my thoughts, which by then are gnawing at me and keeping me awake.

I pull out my little book to work through my lists of complaints and grievances, and like Hagar, very often don’t see any good solutions. That is, until I work through to my need for God: “God, I need You, where are You, why aren’t You helping?”

I didn’t consciously realize that I did this, but in preparing for this sermon, I went back over previous writings, and saw this happen in every single entry.

And what I especially noticed, every time I begged for his Presence, I felt … Him. Along with that, I gained perspective and life didn’t seem so horrible.

In fact, when I do this, I often realize I’m surrounded by so many blessings and especially, God’s love.

I need to journal like that more often … maybe with better perspective – which generally leads me to feel closer to Him … had I done so last Sunday, I wouldn’t have rushed so much that I have an injured finger wrapped up like a corn dog!...

Back to what I was saying - writing down complaints is not the only way to find God. It’s not even MY only way.

I also find Him:
• when I’m gardening, watching things grow, getting my hands muddy
• Sitting cuddled with my dog Greta
• Or helping others with illness and grief and knowing I reached a place where souls meet

And … acknowledging my own pain… my own joys … and slowing down – I said, S-L-O-W-I-N-G D-O-WN enough to remember the Source of All.

Why do I do this? - does God wave a magic wand and give me that happily ever after fairy tale ending?

Of course not. That expectation isn’t belief in God … it’s belief in Schmuely Claus…

When people are hurting, because of a tragedy … or sometimes not getting their way… they say: Rabbi, I’m angry at God.

My typical response … and the response of many in the clergy … it’s okay, God has big shoulders, He can take it.

And even though I say those words … often … I don’t understand them and realize … I need to respond differently: It’s okay to be angry, but try not to stay there, He wants to love and comfort you … don’t let your anger close Him out of your life.

Looking back at my own life, IF things had worked the way I thought they should, I wouldn’t have followed the path to the rabbinate; I wouldn’t have met, let alone married Bob; I’d still be teaching in the day school in Oklahoma City; or maybe I’d still be working in the operating room; people I cared about would still be alive … so MANY ifs.

Every bump in the road forced me to re-evaluate my course in life. And I realize now that if I HAD gotten what I thought I wanted AT THE TIME, I’d be stuck elsewhere … and would never know the many blessings in my life today.

That even includes my hurt finger. It’s been really hard to type … and it did hurt and looked disgusting, but I’ve really learned the value of all five fingers on my left hand. And there were blessings from even that:
• It didn’t take long to realize I had to slow down!
• I am blessed with a husband who stayed with me at every step and friends who have been helpful and supportive
• And I can’t get my left hand wet enough to even think about doing the dishes…

However … and don’t tell Bob, I’m starting … kind of … to miss household chores….

Seriously, I learned something much more important – outside of not wanting to repeat that injury… It’s that I was so focused on details … school, holiday preparation … that I lost sight of my reason for doing all this.

I let myself get out of touch with the Kadosh Baruch Hu. I lost sight of my … our … dependence on Him.

Making room for His Presence doesn’t really make our lives easier, but it shouldn’t. God has high standards for our behavior. The closer I feel to Him, the harder it is for me to justify any of my actions that detract from His glory.

I firmly believe that God seeks our hearts and souls … but we must create an opening – even a tiny one … so He can enter our hearts.

Above all, He is a God of love … and I love and revere the Ribbono shel Olam, the Master of the World. … even though my own meager response to him doesn’t com,e anywhere near to the love and devotion Hashem showers upon all his creation.

Our liturgy is replete with references to Yirat Hashem – fear of God. Our tradition deems this judgment day!

I know it’s not popular to talk about fearing God – we generally translate it as Awe of God. We don’t worry about judgment, we’re doing the best we can.

… Really?

Do we really … in our hearts … believe we can’t do more to please, glorify, and love our Creator?

He is so great; I am so small; He does so much for me, for the world; I only give back a tiny fraction.

I ask this of our Creator: if I am not trembling before You, forgive me.

I don’t want to disappoint You. I know that sometimes, I do.

You are everything; we are the ones You created … to serve You.

Judge us with gentleness and Your great compassion, and show us all how to come to you in love and humility, v’nomar amen.