Good Manners

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed in appalling lack of civility in our society?

To that end, I’d like to share a story told by my colleague, Rabbi Arthur Lavinsky. It’s about one of the true greats of the Jewish Theological Seminary -- the late Rabbi Louis Finkelstein.

In the late 70’s, Rabbi Louis Finkelstein visited the University of Judaism in Los Angeles. Rabbi Lavinsky was given the honor of chauffeuring and escorting the great teacher around town.

During this outing, Rabbis Lavinsky and Finkelstein visited a kosher deli in one of LA’s heavily Jewish neighborhoods. Suddenly, Rabbi Finkelstein slowed his pace.

Now, Rabbi Finkelstein was elderly, but he was not a slow walker. This was out of character.

The pace was so slow, Rabbi Lavinsky had a difficult time maintaining it! … Finally, Dr Finkelstein suggested they cross the street.

So what do you think caused the change of pace and direction?

An elderly man was shuffling just ahead of them. Rabbi Finkelstein did not want to embarrass the man by passing him.

Isn’t that amazing?

Most of us would have hurried past the elderly man – it isn’t our fault that he walked slowly! Always so much to do, we’re too busy to slow down.

Surely Rabbi Finkelstein had plenty to do! And yet, he was willing to slow down his pace to not embarrass – and therefore, add to the dignity of a … total stranger!

The Hebrew term is derech eretz … literally, the way of the land. It means good manners. Okay, good manners aren’t the way of the land but they should be!

And guess what – in this sense, derech eretz has nothing to do with using the correct fork or putting your elbows on the table!

For Rabbi Finkelstein, derech eretz meant going out of his way to avoid embarrassing someone.

Derech eretz – good manners – how we treat others – is the foundation-stone of Torah. It is a manifestation of kavod – respect.

Torah itself teaches that we’re created in the Divine image. Therefore, everyone else is created in the Divine image.

Over and over, we have the injunction to honor God coupled with the injunction to treat others with kindness.

Surely, most of us think we do this … and try to do this… But it is difficult:

Once upon a time people respected their teachers, rabbis, doctors … but today, when kids get in trouble at school, and when the teacher or principal consults the parents – the parents often back the unruly kid, not the teachers! Is it a coincidene that, at the same time, respect for authorities has declined precipitously?

With no boundaries … with no respect for authorities … what’s left to prevent mob rule? Has anyone noticed that our country is moving in that direction?

Another dimension of derech eretz -- many of us think that of course we should respect people … as long as they earn our respect. That’s so wrong … human beings deserve respect because … they’re people!

They were made in the image of God, just like we were! Judaism tells us to “judge” others with an eye to merit … we give people the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, sometimes we learn we were wrong. But still, better to err in that direction and learn from that experience … but often, we learn we were right to do so and expect others to live up to their higher natures!

Perhaps the most important dimension of derech eretz is to remember before Whom we stand. Respect God! Many synagogues have this written clearly to all who enter the sanctuary. You walk in and see the sign: "Know before Whom you stand."

Maybe we shouldn’t need this, but we tend to forget that there is One who always watches – and desperately wants us to be good and to do good.

For me, any form of knowledge is important. But I’m sure you won’t be surprised that I see Torah as the most important knowledge of all --- it’s not only a guide to life … even daily life … but a bridge to Eternity.

Yet, not even the greatest Torah scholar dares stand before his Creator if he mistreats other people – in fact, his Torah knowledge will mean nothing at all if he has no good deeds behind him.

We must take derech eretz to heart … especially now … and not just because good manners and respect are diminished everywhere these days.

This is the month of Elul. The significance? It’s the month leading to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

It’s a special time to recognize … and live … the special bond between God and the people Israel.

We begin our journey to seeking God’s forgiveness … and more importantly … the forgiveness of those we hurt.

When we stand before our Creator on the coming Days of Awe … and seek His love and forgiveness … we must ask ourselves:
• Did we live with derech eretz … did we respect others?
• Even when we come to the synagogue … do we approach with respect and love for God – or do we think He’ll care if we just show up with empty hearts?
• Did we treat His Creation with love and respect … for surely we do not really love Him if we cannot act kindly and respectfully to others.

We must all examine these matters … our hearts and our behavior … in the coming weeks we prepare our souls and cast anger and bitterness aside…

We ask the Kadosh Baruch Hu, the Holy One, Blessed is He … to help us do this during the coming month, so that on the Day of Judgment – Rosh Hashanah – and the Day of Atonement – Yom Kippur – our souls will be fresh, clean, renewed … and truly standing in awe of Him.