Monday, April 27, 2009

Comforting the Mourners -- some thoughts

Jewish tradition considers it a commandment to “comfort the mourners.” Good so far, but what does this really mean? This is so easy to say, and so hard to do.

Our first step is to acknowledge someone’s depth of suffering. To do this, we have to understand that death is never easy. In my own experience as a rabbi, the intensity of mourning is not diminished when:
· death is expected, even when the deceased is old,
· there has been suffering and pain leading to the death
· a relationship is troubled and the mourner and deceased are estranged.

We give lip service to a death being a “blessing,” but such a response does not validate or explain the intensity of grief the mourner may be experiencing. We’re all tempted to responses like this that don’t sufficiently acknowledge grief. If a mourner indicates this is comforting, we follow the lead. However, we must take care that by telling people their loss is a blessing -o-r that their loved one is in a “better place” – could make the mourner self-conscious and even reluctant to say: I know this, but I miss him, and my life is irreparably torn.

We must support mourners by giving them a chance to express these feelings, and at the very least, to validate them. If people are in denial, it’s not our job to break them out of it. However, if we encourage denial – by them, by us – we actually delay the healing process for them.

Jewish tradition bids us to follow the mourner’s lead in conversation. We’re not even supposed to speak to the mourner until he speaks to us. We might not go to that extreme, but we must take our cues from the mourner. Often, a quiet presence and saying “I’m sorry” and a word or two about the deceased will lead a person to express his feelings. The mourner might not want to talk at all. We should respect a need for silence. If the mourner answers with small talk, we should follow her lead, but only if that is what the mourner desires. Anything deeper might be too painful at that time. The important ingredient here is presence and caring.

In modern times, we often have the equivalent of receiving lines before a funeral. On one hand, it does comfort the family to know that so many people care about their loved one. However, it can be exhausting as well. The mourners have no choice but to make small talk. They cannot lead the direction of the conversation as tradition recommends. Some mourners find this comforting; others find themselves drained by the effort. This can be even more difficult before the actual funeral, because mourners often haven’t truly come to terms with the death until the funeral actually occurs.

For a number of Jews, tradition itself brings comfort. However, we are all unique and people respond differently. When we let people know we care – both emotionally and through concrete means – we do a great deal to bring them a measure of comfort.

In addition to the psychological component – actively, compassionately listening to the mourners – and not superimposing our needs upon them – Judaism gives us concrete rules for their care.

Their meals, especially the first meal after the funeral, should not be cooked by the mourners but by their friends. Meals traditionally include hard-boiled eggs, for they are simple and remind us of the eternity of life.

For the first week after a person’s death, we gather at their home for daily services. There is a prayer called the “mourner’s kaddish” that mourners generally say weekly or even daily for nearly a year after a death. The prayer doesn’t even mention death but extols God our Creator. For many, that prayer creates a spiritual infra-structure that gives them an additional connection to their loved one. It reminds them of the eternity of the spirit and helps place their loss in the context of the living tapestry of memory and Eternity. An added benefit of this prayer is that it is done in the presence of the Jewish community with at least nine other fellow Jews present. Again, this reminds us that mourning is not done in a vacuum and the community is there for the mourners – and that we are.

The pain of death never goes away. We never stop missing our loved ones. However, we hope to help the mourner turn raw grief into a field of memories that can bring warmth and blessing into their lives.

May the memories of all our loved ones be for a blessing. And, may we do everything in our power to let mourners know we care.

Shalom u’vrachah, in peace and blessing.

Rabbi Shaina Bacharach

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home