Does an Apology Mean We're Sorry?

How’s this for an apology?

Dear ___,
Since I offend just about everyone with whom I come into contact, in advance of Yom Kippur I am requesting forgiveness from every minor acquaintance including you. Thank you and have a good fast.

That’s sincere … right?

Maybe not.

Let’s try this: I’m sorry if I have hurt any of you in the last year.
… How sincere did that sound? …

Again - Not very? …

Did you spot the key word in that sentence that turned an apology into a pseudo – fake – apology? …

IF … IF I hurt you…

Now, if you think I’m trashing the tradition formula of the Days of Awe … I’m not.
The rest of the sentence has to include – at the very least: if I hurt you and didn’t realize it. It’s still more meaningful if you can acknowledge the ways in which you might have hurt them.

Unfortunately, we do hurt people, often without realizing it.
A careless word here, a thoughtless action there – can easily damage others – and we often have no idea that we did anything. It doesn’t matter whether we intended of not we intended to hurt anyone.

Whether or not we’re aware of the pain we inflicted, walls spring up between people … and we have relationships in need of healing.

Think about the confessional prayers. In al cheit and ashamnu – we see a laundry list of things we didn’t do. Okay, we’re praying on behalf of the community, for the things THEY did as well.

We don’t do those things.

We don’t gossip. We don’t repeat things that hurt others. We’re kind to people. Right?
In the ashamnu, among other sins, we confess to xenophobia. Don’t run to a dictionary. Xenophobia is fear of foreigners.

WE don’t do that, WE’RE not xenophobic.

Of course, it does bug us when Hispanic immigrants come to the States and don’t speak English – even though some of our own ancestors came here and spoke only Yiddish. Was that different?.

Maybe we are a bit xenophobic?

Can this xenophobia is justified?

It all depends on what you mean. Maybe our fears of another group really are justified – especially when it comes to protecting the vulnerable among us from those who would seduce them away from the covenant.

On the other hand, do our attitudes come from false assumptions, a general attitude of thinking we’re better than everyone else – from plain and simple bigotry?
Owning up to our faults is important. Not so we can beat ourselves up and feel guilty. We need to unload our burdens and move past them.

When we realize that yes, we did hurt someone, we then have a God-sent opportunity to apologize.

To really apologize.

When we look into the mirror I described at Rosh Hashanah – REALLY look……………..and we see the faults in ourselves that we REALLY thought were just the faults in others……….
We have to REALLY apologize.

Let’s take a look at the ingredients of a real apology – first as individuals, then as a community.

The nature of apology is a paradox: we have a humiliating experience that actually helps our self-esteem.

Dr. Aaron Lazare – a psychiatrist and former Chancellor and Dean of University of Massachusetts Medical School, has written extensively on the subject of apologies.
Dr. Lazare says that we must first recognize, that yes, we did violate a moral norm – or that in some fashion, we negatively impacted – harmed – a relationship.
Then, we have to say it.

“Honey, I’m sorry I hurt you,” isn’t enough.

Wouldn’t our first reaction be – nice apology, do you have any idea what you did, what you said?...

We have to recognize – and admit – HOW we hurt that person. Or how we realize we MIGHT have hurt that person.

This really does make us feel vulnerable and weak.

A John Wayne movie line sums up a typical view we have these days: “Don’t apologize—it’s a sign of weakness.”

I beg to differ! It’s a sign of strength!

When we can say to ourselves – let alone to others – I did this wrong – and further acknowledge the negative impact of our actions, we begin healing relationships and enriching our own souls.

We might have to make reparations – we should offer to fix what we can. And above all, resolve to try our hardest so the same thing doesn’t happen again.
Apologizing IS taking a chance.


On Rosh Hashanah, I told you about a person who apologized to me about things she said over forty years ago! She didn’t know how I’d react.

It was such a liberating – and powerful bonding experience -- for both of us. We’re now in frequent contact and having a great time.

But it IS POSSIBLE that the other person might not be ready to accept your apology. Did you make yourself vulnerable for no good reason?

Maimonides points out that such a refusal can be cruel. Assuming the apology is sincere, that the person will not repeat the offense – we’re supposed to forgive.
Sometimes, that doesn’t happen. Reasons vary. The wound could be too fresh … or the action too cruel ... it might be impossible to offer forgiveness at that point.
… And sometimes, people really WANT to hang on to grudges and bitterness.

When my friend wrote and asked for forgiveness, even if I had been angry … I could not imagine hanging on to a grudge for FORTY YEARS.

Some people do! They hold on to grudges for longer.

No matter if the parties involved are no longer part of their lives. No matter if the other parties died! A lot of people hang onto grudges that should have faded years before.

According to Maimonides, even if our apologies are rebuffed, we should try two more times. If we’re still rebuffed, we know that you have done everything within our power to make things right.

We can let that burden drift away.

We felt remorse. Now we can let it go.

It’s so liberating to remove walls that stand between us and others!

When we do this, we don’t weaken our self-esteem. We do the opposite; we strengthen ourselves and our self-concepts. The light of our souls shines even brighter.
Doing the right thing, setting things right, can’t help but make us stronger and better.

The impediment all along was the hurt or bitterness – or attitudes that led us to hurt someone else. Those are the things that hurt our self-esteem. But fixing it … liberating!

I mentioned the communal aspect of apology – our prayers that acknowledge our sins – when we beat our chests and beg God to forgive the community.
It can be a very empty ritual.

Doesn’t God forgive us anyway on Yom Kippur?

… Not if we don’t ask. Divine forgiveness – and closeness to Hashem – is not automatic just because it is Yom haKippurim.

We have to ask.

Further, we must ask on behalf of our people. We are one people – a tapestry of past, future … and today. As a synagogue – as Jews anywhere in the world – we form a living, breathing organism.

We must ask God to forgive us all – for HIM to turn toward us, in love and compassion.

A Jew cannot simply ask atonement for himself. Doing so, puts him outside the community.

Yom Kippur has never been intended as atonement just for individuals.

Yom Kippur is for our community – a time that we must recognize our dependence on each other as well as on God.

A midrash (Vayikra Rabbah 4:6) illustrates our mutual inter-dependence:
Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai talked about men on a ship. One of them took a tool and started boring a hole under his own place. His fellow travelers exclaimed in alarm: What are you doing?

The man calm replied: what does it matter to you, I’m only boring a hole at my own place.

His companions shouted back: It doesn’t matter, don’t you see, the water will come in and flood us all!

Every single person is an integral part of our larger community.

The communal aspect of Yom Kippur also demands introspection. Are their things that our community could do better? Are we following God? Could we do a better?
As a community, we acknowledge our failings. Because we are sorry – and resolve to do better – God will forgive us – His light will enrich and brighten our souls, both as individuals and as a community.

Again, if we do not seek forgiveness as a community, we are in effect putting ourselves outside that community.

It’s important to note, there’s another aspect to introspection. It’s every bit as important as recognizing what we did wrong …

We have to see our good points as well!

Rav Nachman, a great Hasidic rebbe, warned against too much introspection. Continually finding fault with ourselves leads to anxiety or depression and serves to distance us from the Kadosh Baruch Hu.

He said that we must consciously strive to find our good points. Sometimes when we’re down, that can be pretty tough.

But Rav Nachman said we must look for our good points … and when we find one, look for another … and another…

We build on our strengths – we can’t do that if we don’t know what they are.
And we also repair our weaknesses …. The key is repair, not dwelling on them, not ruminating on them to the point of depression … but repair – moving on.
When we remove the walls between ourselves and others – we give another opening to the light of our souls.

We grow in our love of God and of His Creation –

We repair ourselves and our relationships, focus on our strengths, and are better equipped to grow in love of God and people.

Then, we can serve God with joy and gladness … and love.

But first, we must tear down the walls that stand between ourselves and others.
I opened today with a fill-in-the-blank non-apology.

There’s a beautiful paragraph in the new machzor put out by the Rabbinical Assembly:
“I hear-by forgive all who have hurt me, whether deliberately or by accident, whether by word or by deed. May no one be punished on my account.

As I forgive and pardon fully those who have done me wrong, may those whom I have harmed by word or by deed forgive and pardon me, whether I acted deliberately or by accident. May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable to you my rock and my redeemer.”

On a personal note, I must acknowledge before you – and before the Kadosh Baruch Hu – that I have sometimes hurt people’s feelings. I never mean to do that. I have tried to be there for all of you. For the times I have not been there … for the times that I have unintentionally caused pain -- please forgive me.

May we all enter 5771 with renewed hearts and souls, confident that God eagerly awaits our please for forgiveness and for His presence in His lives.

May it be His will that we seek – and treasure … the closeness to God that this day has the power to bring.